Leave Of Absence – LOA twice

So, until when will I do this?

I left my masteral at UP-College of Public Health last 2013. I left San Beda College of Medicine, last 2014… and took a leave of absence. Twice in a row now.

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Every time my sister hear me say this, she bites me. Because she doesn’t want me to say that I’m miserable. But I am really. Ha ha. Because I wasn’t able to finish my target goals with the desired date that I want.

I have so many doubts. I have so many questions which need answers.

Right now, I’m in the province. Not in my hometown. But I’m on a looong vacation at an island of Mimaropa region 4, Philippines. My dreams.. What happened to my dreams?

Oh well.. I need to get well from my sickness first. I know I can do this. I can recover!I CAN DO THIS! My doctor said. A young, intelligent lady like me can recover fast.

*Psychotic Break. ha ha ha. I like PB! Peanut butter? Okay.. Flight of ideas. I just need to eat. But undeniably, I need self-control in this area of my life and to exercise. I’ll swim again.

And to the guy whom I thought likes me too, I was delusional of thinking that way. But, I deserve better… This I know. I DESERVE BETTER. ha ha. Though we couldn’t end up as lovers, I hope we could end up as friends.

Thank You God!

I love Orchestra. ❤ Thanks Songjiang district.

I just need to re-divert my attention to other things. And by the way, I missed writing. I say hello again. 🙂

35%

Sobrang nakakahiya.. This is my pinaka-mababang grade in Physio exam.

Gastro. This should be so easy… pero I flunked it. 35% lang nakuha ko. You know, before, hinding hindi ako natutuwa na meron akong bagsak na grades…

Kasi, hindi ako nag-aral. Hindi ako nag-aral, kasi nag-facebook ako.. Nag- internet ako. I should have aced it.

Pero, I ate goto naman yesterday sa Shobee, hindi ko alam kung anong part ng intestine yun.. I should have asked the waiter.. tsk. But I didn’t.

Sa totoo lang, dapat nag-aaral ako ng mabuti.. Pero hindi ko naman ginagawa.

Kakayanin ko pa ba? Kaya ko pa ba? My brother reminded me last night, last chance ko na.. Mag-me-med na siya next year.

at wag ko raw kalimutan yung meds ko for my heart burn. |sigh|

Birthday din pala ni A., kahapon, hindi ko siya nagreet. Nagkabanggaan lang mga mata namin.. Pero, kinailangan na namin umalis ni Monica at ni Thea for the test.

Sigeee. please pray for me na lang ah. At late na naman ako for my class. Kailangan ko na namang tumakbo. Sige.

During my research finals and Psych LE3 make up

I was sitting in front of Computer 59, when I saw my classmate, J.A. praying on my left side. He is really very studious and he is really performing well in class. And take note: he’s not a Cum Laude, when he was in his college years. He has a girlfriend who is also in San Beda Med school, who excels in her batch as well. They are both doing well and supporting each other.

You know, I somehow felt a sudden pierce in my heart, because I’m a Christian, What?? Am I really?? But Christ is not evident in how I live my life. I don’t go regularly to church anymore. I don’t pray that much anymore. I always feel down. I’m not studying well.

Just simply slacking. Those were the minutes and hours that I could never get back. And just to be clear.. I really do want to become a doctor. But hello?? Are my actions congruent with what I want to attain?

You know, while I was reading the test questions… It took me a long time to fully understand and analyze. I can’t absorb. Maybe because I didn’t study. I did not study. Stupid diba? I was plainly relying on my stock knowledge. But do I have? Haha.

But you know, It doesn’t work that way. I’ve proven it. And guess what, I failed my exam. I lacked 2 points for me to pass. It’s 30% of my final grade.

But even though, I still passed my research subject. So, thank you God!

Then, there’s my Psych LE3, same story. I did not pass. Take note: the questions were about sexuality and about children and homosexuals. How humiliating. The doctor proctor asked me after my test and told me..
“Doc, Maganda? Maganda?” I know he was somehow concerned. But ofcourse, hindi maganda!!! Aaah. I was walking towards the door, when I bumped into the shelf. Then what I said was, “Sorry”. Haha. I went out, but didn’t look back.
Seriously, I need a slap on my face. On both cheeks, pwede?

I’m obviously not happy! Too much talk, not enough action.

So, can you give me two slaps?

Baka sakaling magising na ako sa katotohanan.

Last Chance

LORD, my grades are sinking. I’m asking for a lift. 😦 Let me pass po. Ang baba ng grades ko. What’s happening? I plead not to be removed from my school. T__T Help me be disciplined. In my room, In my studies, in my laundry. In my time. I have this one last chance this second semester. If I fail, I don’t know what to do anymore! I pray for the strength to overcome this problems that I have. Help me not waste money, my tuition. This is totally not me. Help! Help me in my addictions, particularly facebook. I don’t like facebook anymore. T__T I want to deactivate it.. But I need facebook.. because I’m a liaison officer. Help! I’m haunted by the past things that I did, by my words that I’ve spoken out. Words that I have written. LORD help! Help me not to look at other people’s stories and just to focus on my own. Please.. Help me focus on the things that I need to do. I have so many things to do. I have so many things to study. The problem with me is I’m so distracted!!! Help! Remove my distractions please.. Please? Or let me learn how to live with it. I know I can do this! Please. Let me pass. Let me pass. Let me pass. 😥 I’m pleading for Your mercy. And also I surrender the people who keeps on visiting me in my mind. People whom I miss. Please guard my mind, my thoughts, my heart, my soul, my mouth. I surrender my burdens to You. LORD, remind me why I am doing this. Remind me. Remind me. I don’t want to waste time anymore just like what I did in my Diabetes Education program and my Masteral.  I’ll be back to finish my masteral (MHA) too. Someday.. I’ll be able to finish it. After medschool. But for now.. please help me in my 1st year subjects. I’m in danger. I don’t want to deny anymore. Because this is really a problem that I have. Help. And LORD, help me help myself!!!! Help me lead myself. Help me be disciplined by knowing my priorities. This I ask from You. Thank You! Kaya mo to!!!! Kaya mo tooooo!!! Walang susuko! Walang bibitaw! Don’t lose hope please. Don’t lose faith! Never back down!! Swim yourself up to the water surface! Breathe please! And move!! Keep moving!! You can do this! HUG!! GOD YOU NEVER FAIL.. This I know. So help me please.

Who can tame the tongue? – Umami

 

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umai

Umami, the fifth taste

Umami from the Japanese (うま味), umami can be translated as “pleasant savory taste”. This neologism was coined in 1908 by Japanese chemist Kikunae Ikeda from a nominalization of umai (うまい) “delicious”. The compound 旨味 (with mi () “taste”) is used for a more general sense of a food as delicious.

“The strong savoury flavour that makes everything from spag bol to Marmite so hard to resist may serve a vital evolutionary purpose. We could even use it to fight malnutrition. Pass the parmesan”, said The Guardian.

Ikeda had noticed this particular taste in asparagus, tomatoes, cheese and meat, but it was strongest in dashi – that rich stock made from kombu (kelp) which is widely used as a flavour base in Japanese cooking. So he homed in on kombu, eventually pinpointing glutamate, an amino acid, as the source of savoury wonder. He then learned how to produce it in industrial quantities and patented the notorious flavour enhancer MSG.

Fermentation also frees the umami – soy sauce, cheese, cured meats have it in spades. In the vegetable kingdom, mushrooms are high in glutamate, along with those favoured by children such as petit pois, sweetcorn and sweet cherry tomatoes. Interestingly, human milk is one of the highest MSG-containing mammalian milks.

Fermentation also frees the umami – soy sauce, cheese, cured meats have it in spades. In the vegetable kingdom, mushrooms are high in glutamate, along with those favoured by children such as petit pois, sweetcorn and sweet cherry tomatoes. Interestingly, human milk is one of the highest MSG-containing mammalian milks.

Just as humans evolved to crave sweetness for sugars and, therefore, calories and energy, and loathe bitter to help avoid toxins, umami is a marker of protein (which is made up of amino acids, which are essential for life). This begs two interesting questions. First, why is our innate penchant for umami best served by cooked or aged foods? Breslin’s answer is that cooking or preserving our main protein sources detoxifies them. “Part of the great digestion formula,” he says, “is not only the ability to procure nutrients, but it’s to protect yourself from getting sick while you do that. If you don’t get proper nutrition you can live to see another day, but if you’re poisoned, it can end it for you right there.”

Second, why are some fruits and vegetables that are low in protein, high in glutamate? Some cases, such as mushrooms, says Breslin, we cannot explain. However, for others, such as tomatoes, it could be the same reason why fruit is so sweet. “The sugar is there so you grab the fruit and spread the seeds around. It could be that the mixture of sugar and glutamate in some of these foods is there to make them extra attractive.”

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The root cause

So, If I’m to diagnose myself..

What caused this sickness? This dying spirit?

Hmm.. Maybe, It’s because of not listening to other’s advice? I don’t know.

Nagpabaya ako? My relationship with God was not stable enough?

I let my guard down? Honestly? I’m not sure. My selfishness?

There’s no one to blame but myself. Tuloy tuloy, walang preno. No learnings from the past, so I had to face this catastrophic moment.

I should have never fell for my friend’s crush, or my close friend’s brother. It ruined everything. Pero napipigilan ba yun? It has both cons and pros. I wasn’t able to wait.

Ang dami kong sinayang. Stupid me.

Wrong timing. Wrong decisions.

I should be ashamed of myself. But I’m not. But I should be.

Okay. mag-aaral na ako ng cardio. Marami rami pa tong chapters na to. Now, I’m studying this foolish heart.

9th Medical Students Summit part 2 of Day 1

Then the joke was on me.

I saw someone in white. Late. I won’t deny and I won’t lie. I saw him.

But I pretended na hindi ko nakita. I just don’t know if I was seen as well. I doubt because I was not attracting any attention to myself awhile ago.

I was afraid to make an eye contact. I saw in my peripheral vision, But I purposely did not move my neck to look. I just looked straight ahead to where I should go. I did not waste my time staying in that place where it was present. I moved here and there. I did my job. I did what I was supposed to do. And this is an achievement for me! Yey!

There was a time when we where like just three feet apart twice this afternoon. But I pretended that I did not see. My heart was thumping hard, I just need to move away and do something else far from where it was standing and from where it was. Thank You GOD that I was not assigned at the registration area at St. Maurs and the Abbott Hall. Thank You for letting the SC assign me at the Abbey and Sabater, where there’s less contact time with the participants. It’s a blessing that I was assigned to where I was assigned. Merciful God, THANK YOU!!

Medical Students Summit Morning Day 1

Can I voice out my feelings for today?

It’s the first day of the Medical Students’ Summit at our school. I’m a volunteer worker. A lot of students from different medical schools in NCR participated the event. My assignment for today is already finished. I was assigned at the Abbey of the Lady of Montserrat, and I also sang the doxology together with the school’s chorale at the Abbott Hall this morning.

Should I be in a different place today? Haha. I want to study na!!! Haay.
Surprisingly, I saw his name on the list of the participants just this morning, but he didn’t come. Haha. He might be ditching this event. Or I don’t know, maybe he’ll come on the second day. Or maybe he’s not really coming. *Myelin Sheath! Stop this na!

I should be studying by now. Really. I should be. I want to go somewhere else! And STUDY INSTEAD!

I can’t wait for this event to be over. Haha. BUT, I’m going back to help my other classmate volunteers, to divert myself. Kakanta pa pala ako mamayang gabi. Kaya ko to! I can do this! I’ll just socialize with the other medical students. :))

Peace please come and stay in my heart. Masaya tong event na to! Don’t be stressed out of things na hindi dapat ka-stressan. SMILE! 🙂 Kain ka na lang ng lunch. Hehe. Gutom lang yan!!!! Hahaha.

Okay. I feel much better now. Bbye. Thank you God!

A whole new world

And so, here I am again… I’m writing again.. I just can’t contain my thoughts and I just wanna share it here.

I’m a first year medical student of section A of San Beda College of Medicine, the best medical school in Mendiola! Yeah! Finally, I am a medical student already. The long wait is over. Actually, It’s my third month already in my med life. It’s actually hard. Really. You might think of it to be easy, but it’s not!!! Every week, I feel like I’m in the sea water, nearly drowning. I want to swim, but I’m just floating to survive. Ang hirap. Feels like crying. Haha. It’s my first time to have failed exams, which I don’t normally had, because I’m a grade conscious student. Been always at the top of the class and included in the honor rolls, since high school and college. But right now, I’ve actually get kinda used to it already, I can’t always be at the top. And that’s what med is telling me. I’ve experienced failures. Yes! But this is so I’ll be able to learn how to be tough and how to fight. In Med school, you need to learn how to move on fast, because there are still exams that needs to be undertaken. So dapat, move and let go agad, so that the other subjects wouldn’t be compromised. Haha.

Moving on, despite my hardships in med life, I’m actually having fun ironically… Every moment I spend here is an opportunity to learn something new. Most of my classmates are almost 3- 4- 5 years younger than me, and it makes me feel young as well. Haha. But I also had older classmates, one is a father already, the other one had finished 2 courses before med, and some are 26, 27 and 28. And all of us, have this goal in mind, which is to become a physician, to become a bedanmd.

I actually like my school. Though it’s a catholic school, it’s kinda fun being a Bedan. I’m proud of it. lol. It’s a campus of the Hogwarts. Haha. That’s what students from CEU (the school infront of our school at Mendiola) used to say, because the undergrads’ uniform looks like the ones that Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley wore. Also, there’s a pool inside our school! So happy! I got a chance to swim at it already when I participated the sportsfest during the medweek 2014. And surprisingly, I won! 3 medals! 1st runner up for back stroke and freestyle and champion for butterfly. Shockingly, I won! haha. (I was still overweight when I joined that swimming competition. Haha. I have a picture at fb.)

Every morning, I can see student athletes warming up and working out just to make their bodies fit for the competitions that they will be participating in. Every day, I can see student lawyers and undergrads at our library reviewing, even though they have their own library, some of them still go to the Med’s lib. They are actually very studious and very determined. I like our library as well, the staffs are very kind to us. Another thing that I like about my school is the WIFI! Free WIFI! And also every time we have an exam, we don’t write in papers anymore, we actually answer it in the computers at the laboratory. And it’s a little nervous because, before you actually stand from sitting on your chair, you can actually know already the result of the exam that you’ve taken. Yes. Agad, agad, no prolonging of agony. :))

It’s gotta take PERSEVERANCE and HARDWORK. And DETERMINATION. I know. But mostly, FAITH in GOD!

I’ve named this blog as ‘A Whole New World’ since, I’m having LSS with this song, because we practiced it awhile ago, for the Medical Student’s Summit this coming Saturday and Sunday which is to be held at our school. San Beda will be hosting the big event. And I’m part of the SBCM chorale, I didn’t want to join anymore, but I think I need this outlet from all the stress that I’ve been experiencing. And guess what the other songs that I’ll be singing as well, “Lupang Hinirang, Falling Slowly, A whole new world, The Prayer, and Seasons of love” Haha. (Some of the songs nearly get my eyes teary while I was singing. Haha. But the good thing is, I was able to catch up with how they are supposed to be sung. Grateful.:)) I’m also a volunteer this coming weekend. I’m excited! I don’t know why and at the same time nervous since, it’s been a long time since I’ve stopped singing.

God bless my studies and my coming exams, I hope to pass and if God allows, I hope to excel starting today. I have a lot of grades to run after, seriously need to run after!! I need to FOCUS! And LORD, please as much as possible, close this stupid heart of mine. And keep the key of my heart. Please don’t let anyone steal it!!!! I don’t wanna fall in love anymore! Other than You and Med! I know I’ve been foolish lately, but I pray and ask for Your wisdom! I need to start studying legit for the coming module exams starting tonight.

And LORD, Super thank you!!! For letting our school have a topnotcher in the recent PLE2014, Ate Grace Arviola! (I can still remember when I joined the board ops 2014. It was heart warming and my skin started to have goosebumps, when I was in UE. Sobrang, kakaibang feeling. I feel like I need to study much harder. I would like to take the PLE as well someday and be an MD. But a doctor alumna told us, not to study hard but to study smart) I hope I can do this! Thank you LORD for giving me an inspiration. Thank you for the favor! Thank you for your grace! Thank You for the time that you’ve given me. That In all things GOD may be glorified!

And so this is my song for tonight:

A whole new world.

A whole new world
Don’t you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath – it gets better
I’m like a shooting star
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment gets better
I’ll chase them anywhere
There’s time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with You.

… THANK YOU LORD! Mag-aaral po ako ng mabuti starting today. 🙂

Module 1 is finally over!

I am astonished that I’ve already accomplished my 1st module exams in med school.

Honestly, I’ve had a hard time with the exams. My results are not so high, some passed, some failed. This is the 1st time I failed exams.

Mark it off, my lowest score so far is in Biochem. Then, Neuroscience and Physiology.

I definitely reviewed before the exam proper. Especially for Neuro. But I wasn’t able to reach the quota. **I’m gonna do better this time!!!!!!!! I need to!!!

Then the others: Research, Anatomy Lec, Theology, and Histology are in the borderline of passing. The only subjects that I think that I’ve had high scores are in Anatomy Lab where I got 98 and in Psychiatry: 80.

This is a wake up call for me. I absolutely have woken up!
I need not to be complacent about certain things in med school. I need to give my 110% everyday. Be mentally present when I’m inside the classroom, and not let my mind wander about so many things that are beyond my control.

Important lessons learned last module 1:
* PREPARE: Plan ahead of time ( weekly plan, daily plan)
*Take notes
* Read the lessons before coming to class
* Allot more time for difficult subjects. I’m gonna be an expert with my waterloos. **laughs (Biochem, Neuro, Physio! Brace yourselves!)
* Record the audio of the lectures
* Bring a small notebook in the lab
* Avoid distractions
* When doing something, be all there.
* Focus! One subject at a time.
* Keep calm and smile.
* Move on fast. Whenever you fail a subject, let go and let God. And study for the next coming subjects.
Surprisingly, this is one of the skills that a med student needs to learn. #medskills #moving on
* Stay POSITIVE. Think positive!
* PRAY. One of the most important things that I’ve taken for granted.

I believe I’ll be able to do better this coming modules. Hoping and praying.

I hope to have my last failed exams this module 1. I surrender! I need to double time. But still stay calm.

So long, I’m gonna start reviewing my lessons in biochem.. bye for now.

#I’mAFutureBedanDoctor #MD2018 #Aspiring neurologist