I’ve been through a lot. I don’t think my domain name: victoriousprincess fits me at all. I’m just an ordinary girl who lost her friends because of her own mistakes along this journey called life. Recently, I’m no magazine-model-kind-of-girl anymore because of my weight that doesn’t range in between the normal body mass index. I’ve lost my drive and motivation somewhere in time. Struggling to feel that I belong somewhere I’m not accepted. I thought I was part of that place. But it turned out that I’m not. So this is how being ignored feels like. I’m like an invisible person, not liked by many, not given any attention, and not loved? I was hurt in the end because of my own doing. I felt like everything that I’ve done was a waste. My time and my efforts, that could never ever be returned. Sorry, but am I not allowed to feel these things? Don’t make me feel guilty because I’m someone just like everybody else with feelings.
It all started because of envy, which I should not have felt in the first place. But I still did. Somewhere deep in my heart, It created a hole and it grew, consuming me entirely. I got jealous of their numbers and I felt that strong desire of being with them. And so, I fell. I was happily living my life back then, with so much fun and ambition. I had my dreams aligned. Ready to get everything done after I graduated. But sad circumstances came. I got deeply wounded. I got my two well functioning legs and feet. But I felt crippled by an event that could have been prevented but was still allowed to happen by some great force. Who’s to blame? I got no one to blame. I’m a weak person. I’m emotional. The truth is, I’m a fool to have believed that I was an intelligent/ smart girl because of my academic achievements in high school and in college. But are high grades the basis to be called smart or wise? I beg you. Please tell me.
Maybe, he’s right all along. My foolishness cannot be compared to anyone. I was stupidly foolish for falling. And that was the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my whole life. Confessing my feelings to him, which destroyed everything that I worked hard for. Am I considered wayward due to that instance? I guess I am. Is it not normal for girls to be attracted to someone? I wish he told me those lines in a gentle manner. I might have been spared from this catastrophe. It was painful for me because he was important. He was someone I admired. But sadly, I was pierced to my very core, my psyche, my mind, my heart, my whole being, my whole self. No. No. We’re not even lovers. No. I never slept in his bed nor even him in my own bed. But why was I affected too much? We never kissed. We never hugged. We never interlaced our fingers with each other’s fingers. So, what’s the fuss? The truth is, I’m no princess. I’m in rags. An ugly beggar in sack cloth. Save me from this shame that incapacitated me. I’m like a parched land. I hunger. I thirst. Possibly but not certainly, the reason why I got hurt was because words are valuable to me. I was not prepared for the loss: my radiance, my joy, my warmth, and my self that I worked so hard to build through all these years. I’m just a poor girl. Pardon me for my foolishness and my failures. I felt jealous, felt envious, and desired someone else’s place. I felt like I’ve stolen something that was never even mine to begin with. Spare me from this guilt. The truth is, I’m no pure woman. I’d be lying if I say so. In addition, I got no house of my own. I got no car. I got no savings. I’m unemployed. I’m a nobody. I got no money.
Will I ever become an inspiration for anyone? My life is chaotic and messy. Please, I don’t want to lose my heart because of all this pain. I don’t want to be a cold stone. Call me crazy. Call me desperate. Call me a fool for chasing after a guy. Call me whatever you like. But I will stand up again. And I might fall again. A never ending cycle. What do you think of me? God, please catch me.